Have you ever felt 'out of sync' with a bunch of people?
Welcome to my life right now. I don't know how I ended up here...
I know, that the people I hang out with and work at church with love me and care for me. But I don't believe it. Harsh words to say, I know, but that is how I feel. I know beyond any doubts in my mind, there is no doubt in my mind that they all care deeply about me and love me, but I don't believe it. Ironic words eh? There is that old phrase 'actions speak louder than words'... They are amazing people, I love them all so much, and I can see their love for one another... but there are a few people the buck stops short on. And that isn't to say that there is nothing, but its just a lesser degree.
I must not hold anything against anyone... I must lay that down right here, right now, again and again. But I know that I am wearing masks again. I am not being myself in certain environments. I hide myself, and suffer in silence, and come home and cry on your shoulder. You alone know my pain and my hurt. You alone know what I need, what I crave. You alone know that I need more. However, you also know that I am trying to solve things myself. Let me really lay things down. Let me really stop trying to manipulate and make things my way... let me let go. A friend once told me "Let go and let God".
The things I need and do not get? Simple things really. Somebody to ask me how things are going, and to really mean it, and ask in such a way that its not 'small talk' and passing conversation. Somebody to ask and really want to hear the answer. So often I am asked 'how is it going' or 'is everything ok' and I want to say No, its not okay, this is what I am going through, please pray for me, but the way that the question is asked is in an environment that hinders this.
I am still learning a lot of things - I am still dealing with insecurity and fear of men, and so for people to ask me things that are personal in the midst of a restaurant or a big social event, of course I am not going to open up. Of course I am going to either lay it off on some dumb excuse (IE working too much, stress, tiredness, headache) or just say I am fine.
I need to know that people are standing with me. I need to know that people care enough about me to pray for me. That is the bottom line. Maybe that's why I don't believe that people really care? I know that they care in their own self, but I want people to care with God's heart. I want to be praying for them and to be standing with them, and I want that in return.
To use the temple teaching to describe this: I don't want to be hanging out with people in the outer courtyard or the inner courtyard, I want to be with people hanging out in the Holy Place, or maybe the porch.
I feel like there are two worlds here... I can go to be alone and be with God, or I am with my friends and being social/trendy/"just having fun".... I don't see balance there. We need to be able to get over the mindset that talking about God has to be this big thing that is so serious. Often I hear the comment "I just want to have fun" and that is cool, but there has to be a way to have fun without it being meaningless... team building stuff is a good example of this.
Anyway, I have to go keep praying about this...