Sunday, January 22, 2006
Dis-Unity

Have you ever felt 'out of sync' with a bunch of people?

Welcome to my life right now. I don't know how I ended up here...

I know, that the people I hang out with and work at church with love me and care for me. But I don't believe it. Harsh words to say, I know, but that is how I feel. I know beyond any doubts in my mind, there is no doubt in my mind that they all care deeply about me and love me, but I don't believe it. Ironic words eh? There is that old phrase 'actions speak louder than words'...  They are amazing people, I love them all so much, and I can see their love for one another... but there are a few people the buck stops short on. And that isn't to say that there is nothing, but its just a lesser degree.

I must not hold anything against anyone... I must lay that down right here, right now, again and again. But I know that I am wearing masks again. I am not being myself in certain environments. I hide myself, and suffer in silence, and come home and cry on your shoulder. You alone know my pain and my hurt. You alone know what I need, what I crave. You alone know that I need more. However, you also know that I am trying to solve things myself. Let me really lay things down. Let me really stop trying to manipulate and make things my way... let me let go. A friend once told me "Let go and let God".

The things I need and do not get? Simple things really. Somebody to ask me how things are going, and to really mean it, and ask in such a way that its not 'small talk' and passing conversation. Somebody to ask and really want to hear the answer. So often I am asked 'how is it going' or 'is everything ok' and I want to say No, its not okay, this is what I am going through, please pray for me, but the way that the question is asked is in an environment that hinders this.

I am still learning a lot of things - I am still dealing with insecurity and fear of men, and so for people to ask me things that are personal in the midst of a restaurant or a big social event, of course I am not going to open up. Of course I am going to either lay it off on some dumb excuse (IE working too much, stress, tiredness, headache) or just say I am fine.

I need to know that people are standing with me. I need to know that people care enough about me to pray for me. That is the bottom line. Maybe that's why I don't believe that people really care? I know that they care in their own self, but I want people to care with God's heart. I want to be praying for them and to be standing with them, and I want that in return.

To use the temple teaching to describe this: I don't want to be hanging out with people in the outer courtyard or the inner courtyard, I want to be with people hanging out in the Holy Place, or maybe the porch.

I feel like there are two worlds here... I can go to be alone and be with God, or I am with my friends and being social/trendy/"just having fun".... I don't see balance there. We need to be able to get over the mindset that talking about God has to be this big thing that is so serious. Often I hear the comment "I just want to have fun" and that is cool, but there has to be a way to have fun without it being meaningless... team building stuff is a good example of this.

Anyway, I have to go keep praying about this...


Posted at 11:15 am by jenpuppy

 

Leave a Comment:

Name


Homepage (optional)


Comments




Previous Entry Home Next Entry


jenpuppy
British Columbia
Welcome to the blog - I hadn't updated this in awhile, so I figured I should revisit this... I don't really have a lot of time to write, but I will try to keep current...

Feel free to comment or ask questions...
   

<< January 2006 >>
Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
01 02 03 04 05 06 07
08 09 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31


If you want to be updated on this weblog Enter your email here:



rss feed