I really don't like how I feel right now. I feel like I am two people, or like I am wearing a mask.
At times, I am really genuinely happy, and recently that is the person most of my close friends have been seeing... I've been 'up' and excited about things and just in good countenance. But there are other times (both on my own, and when I am with my friends) when I feel so empty and "dead" spiritually but I don't know what to do with those feelings and emotions. I usually end up just pulling back and going to pray on my own, or just go do something else by myself.
I don't feel like I have the prayer support that I want. I don't feel like I am being "spurred on" by others around me.
The analogy God gave me last night was that I am 'driving' as a car in life... and I've been coming off of a hill and coasting in neutral, and I've been able to keep moving but up ahead there is another hill and in order to climb it I need to get the car back into gear and accellerate. The problem lies in that I can't get the car back into gear. I am rapidly approaching the hill and I know if I don't start accelerating, I am eventually going to slow to a stop, and then roll backwards back down this hill... and that is a big scene that I don't want to do.
I know that God is warning me of this, so that I can be stirred to start the car again, and to keep moving. I think this is why its so emotional and difficult, is that the spirit within me is discerning that I need to step it up and is at unrest with where I am spiritually. I know I'm not where I want to be, but I just don't know how to keep moving.
I also had a 'revelation' about where I am spiritually, and I remembered a vision somebody had for me, or I had myself where there was this plot of land, and on it there was a partially finished foundation that hadn't been completed and a pile of garbage lying on top of the site. It was basically meaning that my life had some garbage that needed to be moved so that the foundation could be built so that eventually a structure could be built. Where I am now, is the garbage has been removed and God has built up a foundation of relationship with me and Him, so the next step is the actual building upon that foundation.
Tying the two vision/analogies together, the mountain I'm about to climb I believe is prayer/intercession... that is, prayer to advance the Kingdom of God through building up myself so I can pour into others (Access cell group), building up others/strengthening others and praying for God to move etc...
Also, I was having a hard time at our church service this morning, and I think what it was, is I was feeling conviction that I was not 'right with God' and couldn't praise and worship when I was feeling so unsettled, so I needed to just go and pray. I felt better after expressing some of my heart, and just crying a little and sharing how completely confused I was. I ended up realizing that I needed to take authority over my thoughts and the enemy and make sure he wasn't allowed to play with my head and confuse me. I quoted a couple verses about being clear minded so I could pray, and thinking about things that are noble, lovely etc and having the peace of God that transcends all understanding guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus... it was really comforting to be able to quote God's Word and it made me feel a lot better and cleared my thinking up.
I think this is a time of perseverance and dilligence. I am going to try and set aside my evenings this week for prayer and building up of myself. My goal is to avoid movies/TV and frivilous things unless I'm doing something for the Kingdom...
Well, I've got stuff to do today, cya.
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